Our 9 Year Anniversary

On October 9, 2006, I met Elliott at his locker before the beginning of class. We had discussed that after homecoming we would "date," but we really didn't discuss what "dating" actually meant. So when I met Elliott at his locker, he greeted me with a,"....So now what do we do?" And I answered, "We should hold hands." He grabbed my hand, and from that moment on we were together.

We kept October 9 as our official anniversary, and we celebrated it every year.  On this day, we would get all excited about our future together, and marvel at how much we meant to one another. Today, I have loved him for 9 years. As you all know, this is my first anniversary without him. It is such a weird feeling that I don't get to celebrate with him. Instead I just feel an awful hole in my heart. I feel like I am deaf because my ears can't hear his voice. It feels like I have gone blind because I don't get to see him laugh or smile. There is a certain type of numbness that is with me because I don't get to hold his hand today.

My heart hurts. My eyes leak. My life is forever changed, and I am not sure I see the good in it. I miss him in a new way every single day. It is hard to do every normal human thing. I feel so disabled and ripped apart.

I miss my friend, my best friend, who knew me better than I knew myself. He listened to me rant, sing, cry, and laugh. Every time I would cry, he would hold me. Maybe most times he wouldn't say anything, but just his being there, just his touch made me feel better. I feel like a baby without her blanket. My physical comforter is gone. Instead I am just filled with anxiety and dread. How will I face another day? I miss his mind. His beautiful thoughts that could make any person stop and examine their life. I miss his ridiculous laugh especially if is was at one of my jokes. I miss hearing that he loves me, and that he is proud of me. I want to hear his voice so badly.

Sorry, it feels like I am being negative. But mostly, I just feel pain, and it's awful. There is no reason to sugar coat it.

But...as I write this, I am remembering some verses in Lamentations. In this book, the city of Jerusalem has been destroyed, its people are homeless and starving, it is really depressing and the pain almost seems unbearable, but then there are these verses:

"Yet I call this to mind, 

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s faithful love

we do not perish,

for His mercies never end.

They are new every morning;

great is Your faithfulness!

I say: The Lord is my portion,

therefore I will put my hope in Him."

Lamentations 3:21-24

There is hope. Even when it is hard to see and life is full of pain. There is hope in the Lord's faithful love for his people through Jesus. It may seem like too simple of conclusion, but for today it gives me hope.