Our 9 Year Anniversary

On October 9, 2006, I met Elliott at his locker before the beginning of class. We had discussed that after homecoming we would "date," but we really didn't discuss what "dating" actually meant. So when I met Elliott at his locker, he greeted me with a,"....So now what do we do?" And I answered, "We should hold hands." He grabbed my hand, and from that moment on we were together.

We kept October 9 as our official anniversary, and we celebrated it every year.  On this day, we would get all excited about our future together, and marvel at how much we meant to one another. Today, I have loved him for 9 years. As you all know, this is my first anniversary without him. It is such a weird feeling that I don't get to celebrate with him. Instead I just feel an awful hole in my heart. I feel like I am deaf because my ears can't hear his voice. It feels like I have gone blind because I don't get to see him laugh or smile. There is a certain type of numbness that is with me because I don't get to hold his hand today.

My heart hurts. My eyes leak. My life is forever changed, and I am not sure I see the good in it. I miss him in a new way every single day. It is hard to do every normal human thing. I feel so disabled and ripped apart.

I miss my friend, my best friend, who knew me better than I knew myself. He listened to me rant, sing, cry, and laugh. Every time I would cry, he would hold me. Maybe most times he wouldn't say anything, but just his being there, just his touch made me feel better. I feel like a baby without her blanket. My physical comforter is gone. Instead I am just filled with anxiety and dread. How will I face another day? I miss his mind. His beautiful thoughts that could make any person stop and examine their life. I miss his ridiculous laugh especially if is was at one of my jokes. I miss hearing that he loves me, and that he is proud of me. I want to hear his voice so badly.

Sorry, it feels like I am being negative. But mostly, I just feel pain, and it's awful. There is no reason to sugar coat it.

But...as I write this, I am remembering some verses in Lamentations. In this book, the city of Jerusalem has been destroyed, its people are homeless and starving, it is really depressing and the pain almost seems unbearable, but then there are these verses:

"Yet I call this to mind, 

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s faithful love

we do not perish,

for His mercies never end.

They are new every morning;

great is Your faithfulness!

I say: The Lord is my portion,

therefore I will put my hope in Him."

Lamentations 3:21-24

There is hope. Even when it is hard to see and life is full of pain. There is hope in the Lord's faithful love for his people through Jesus. It may seem like too simple of conclusion, but for today it gives me hope. 

An Update on Me

I will start off by saying that I am going to try to continue this blog. I know that Elliott would want me too. He would say, "You have a unique point of view, and people should hear it." I suppose he is right, and maybe this blog can help someone else. I was always grateful for how Elliott opened up his life to others, so I want to be open and honest while still striving to see the Gospel. It may not always be pretty or eloquent, but it is real.

How am I doing?

I kind of hate this question (but don't be afraid to ask me). Most days I am doing alright. I can find joy in everyday things. I can laugh and smile. I can hang out with people, and it feels like I can be fully engaged in conversations. I can go places and have fun. I am so thankful that I have these good days, sometimes even good weeks.

Other days my heart breaks. And on those days I feel like everything reminds me of what I don't have. I don't have my confidant, my husband, my "patient", my love, my nerd, my thinker, my proof reader, my normalcy and most importantly my best friend. The bond we had as husband and wife, the oneness we shared, has been broken by death. So now the oneness of marriage is broken and I have to be one on my own again. Any way you slice it, I am broken in half, in three quarters, or in two thirds. I don't feel whole. Without him, I feel like I am missing. Not only am I missing, but I just miss my best friend. I miss his laugh and his puns. I miss his compassionate heart and his love for people. I miss his mind and his knowledge. I miss how he would hold me when I was crying and wipe away my tears. I miss his advice, his counsel, and his secret keeping. I miss being a family with him, and I miss picturing having a family with him. I just miss him. He is so much more than just words on a blog post, he is so much more than a picture, for a time he was all that I was. And it hurts that he is gone. Death hurts. This is my worst nightmare come true, and the pain is unbearable at points. 

And yet, even with all this awfulness, I wouldn't wish him back. Not only because his suffering on this earth was so very great, but because he is in a place where he is not touched by sin and death. In heaven, Elliott is not only free from these things, but he is fully reconciled with God through the righteousness of Jesus. He is standing in the full glory, sovereignty, and majesty of God. He will not struggle with sin again, he will not fight cancer again, and he will have true, eternal, and unending joy. Elliott's job of glorifying the Lord here on earth is done, and he fought the good fight.

What am I doing?

Everyone handles grief differently, some people go back to work the week after their loved one has passed and some need to take some time to process their loss, and both are fine. Everyone experiences grief differently and there is no exact formula or method to deal with it.

So, Christina, what are you doing? Well, for the past three months I have been trying to take it easy and not make decisions too fast. I live at my in-laws house which is right across the street from the house Elliott and I lived in. At the Orr's, there is always some one home to hang out with and have conversations with. I have spent a lot of mornings crying and talking with Cathy, and I have spent a lot of nights dancing around the kitchen with Ansley. I am never alone. It is really great that they opened up their home and family to me, and I am so thankful. I have been trying to find a balance between praying, reading, and processing alone and with others. As an extrovert, it is hard for me to sit all week in the house, but it also hard for me to be in a social setting every single day. It's a weird balancing act. I am taking a couple days a week to relax, journal, and read, but I am helping my dad coach soccer. I also try to see my wonderful friends in Lansing as often as I can. My life right now seems to be a juggling act to find what is helpful to me during this time.

 I have also taken a couple trips. One to New York City with my sister on her spring break, and it was so much fun. I had always wanted to go! The next trip was to Disney World in Florida with the Orr's. It was an awesome trip to "the happiest place on earth." It was a good break from the Michigan weather, and it was also a lot of fun. Recently, I traveled to Minnesota for a dear friend's wedding. It has actually been quite a busy couple of months. 

Eventually, my plans are to end up back in Lansing. It is a place that Elliott and I both grew into adults, and it already feels like home. When I am ready, I will be living at a friend's house, and that is about all the permanent plans I have.

Thank you

I want to say thank you to everyone who made us food, sent us a card, gave us a hug, or just made us feel loved during this hard time. Our family has felt incredible blessed by all the acts of kindness that have come from family, friends, and complete strangers. We greatly appreciate it, and I know that Elliott would appreciate all the love and care that has been given to his family.

But I guess...

That is the update on me. Hopefully, I will continue to write one or two times a month. That is my goal. Please continue to keep the Orr family and me in your prayers as we head into the first summer without our son, brother, husband, and friend.